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Wednesday, March 5th, 2014
10:47 pm
i love you i'm sorry please forgive me thank you thank you

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Friday, July 6th, 2012
9:43 am
this desert has dissolved me...

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2011
11:54 pm - perspective
I sorted through my old things at my mom's house yesterday. All of those things I had at my old apartment, thrown into boxes, last fall, with winter looming over my shoulder and the collapse of life as I knew it, a void of uncertainty before me.. All of these objects, frozen in time, collecting dust and sitting out in the garage and attic, through spring, summer, fall, winter again. Silly things frozen in a thought; a new sponge for my new sink, a book I had been in the middle of reading, garbage bags for my new apartment, wherever that would be..
I feel like this has been cleansing, in a way I cannot see, but only feel the hint of.. to throw away most of that bullshit, to keep only the most important things I will carry with me into the future.. this time, for some far off day, when I go back up those dusty attic steps that smell of old, rich wood, the encompassing dust and sunlight the same exact way as I remember it. And I will sit down with my lover, my belly round, and feet worn from walking through thousands of villages and mountains and cities spread across every continent, and I will smile deep, auspiciously, and cut that old layer of packing tape.

The other night my phone rang, and a glance at the caller ID brings me right back here. Awakens every cell in my body. Of course I had just thought the day before, for the first time, "he's going to call me." I startle myself with these sudden moments of clairvoyance that defy all logic and probability. I was busy, and actually on the line with someone else, and left the message for later.
"I tried to call you earlier, and your number wasn't working, but I tried it randomly just now, and it worked! Hahah.... So that's good." His carefree stoned laugh, and uncertainty at finding himself talking to an answering machine, on a working line, are enough to make me replay it a few times.
"You are magical," I had told him four months ago.
Four months ago feels like a lifetime.

And then I deleted the message.

No, I'm not in Humboldt yet. Not anywhere close. But getting closer..
And when I get there, just like anywhere else..
I will know - this is where I've always been.
This is where I will always be.

Soon...
But there are a few things I've got to do first.

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Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
4:17 am - 2011!!
I spent the first few hours of 2011 as a mime, with my face painted white, and black diamonds drawn over my eyes. I was drunk and wearing my full clown outfit that I made myself and love dearly. Black and white diamonds, pink frills, blue tulle, lace, beadwork, and a skirt that sticks out to the sides. Striped leggings and silly little clown hat. My blue haired friend brought the white gloves, I brought wine, and 20 minutes before midnight we parked the car in a parking lot that would take us hours to find again. We were too late for original plans, not that we cared, and we stood in the middle of a drunken crowd as the end of 2010 neared. There were fireworks, and we looked at each other and said, Is this it? And around us teenagers kissed each other, and, So I guess this is it, we screamed and hugged and then proceeded to wander for hours trying to find the car. And we didn't speak but imitated others, and acted ridiculous, and people LOVED it. And we loved it even more! Approaching cops in a pure, drunken mockery, and they smiled at the lovely street entertainment. Making fun of drunk people and getting low with the city kids. Somehow we ended up in a lot of strangers' photos, but none of our own. One guy even got emotional, and said things like "This is what Buffalo needs, Eccentrism, art, You have no idea how much this means to me that you are here. Don't speak. Take this money.. No, I insist..."

And the 1st of the year, a slow morning, Thai food and tea, old friends, best friends, languid drives, a glitchy bass.
The next day I spent hours learning silk aerials, lyra, cloud swing. The surprising pain of a metal trapeze bar. Suspended and inverted and wrapping myself in self-securing patterns. Front flips and drops - "Just let go of the first fabric, extend your arms over your head, and DROP, it will open behind you and catch you.." Well alright..
Yeah, I think I'll keep doing this...
And I already knew from the moment we found the silks on our passed-down circus bus that I would carry it on....
And I already know this too... 2011 is going to be a really, really, good year for me.

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Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
8:04 pm - whoa
doing naked yoga in your living room at 5 in the morning,
i don't feel exposed, or self-conscious, or afraid, or even sexual,
i just feel more like myself,
in the quiet i can feel each muscle lengthen
and you know,
that pretty much sums it up,
when i am around you
i feel more like me

it really surprises me, this state of mind
when all possibilities open, positively
and to know
we can make the dopest tracks
we can go on the craziest adventures
and you'll be there with me, in south america,
and anywhere else we want
we can make some wicked art
we can have a wild time, and get straight funky
or we can sit around anywhere, with nothing but your soul and mine
and i'd be more than happy

travelling has been a dream, life and love and beauty
and inside of that, this past week has been a blur
i went in the complete opposite direction, left my travel friends and drove 3 hours back to Florida
to hang out with someone
whose presence warms me like sunlight
and i wasn't really expecting this..

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Saturday, March 27th, 2010
4:16 pm
hitch-hiked from the atlantic ocean in FL to new orleans!!

so many ridiculously amazing times & people & connections

so many ridiculously amazing things to come

i'll write later, got 2 minutes left on the library computer



much love & light to all

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Saturday, March 20th, 2010
2:17 pm
i don't have much time to write now but everything has been

absolutely

incredible

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Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
7:19 pm
so it's my last night in NY, for a while. We leave tomorrow at sunrise.


here we go

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Monday, February 22nd, 2010
2:56 pm
i have been doing a lot lately. spontaneity, new places, abandoned buildings, a couple parties, new faces, hazy eyes, conversations, good music, delicious Mediterranean foods, adventures, crazy awesome jewelry making kick, new tunes in progress, new wooden flute, painting, so many joyful things i can mention and so many days i can spend mentioning them...

this winter has been strangely refreshing. this may have a lot to do with the fact that i haven't had a job and haven't planned to get one, and that this state is temporary (no pun intended). what an amazing release of stress and negative energy. I remember the day I realized that everyone is just waiting for the relatively small end of the work day, or the weekend, or the break, or retirement. It is really interesting to watch seeds growing in my life, and the people around me. I am unconsciously planting new ones all the time.

Last night I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in at least 4 years. I never knew him very well, but we talked here or there, always spreading positivity, and this time our paths crossed. It was a lot of fun, we explored, and smoked weed, and talked about the beauty of life, about being naturally high all the time, about creativity, about being here and now, about being so damn alive... It is so inspiring and uplifting to be around other people like this. It nurtures the soul. Even his eyes shine bright and deep with what looks like joy, perception, and mischief. We both agreed we should have hung out a long time ago.

And as my time here comes to an end, I must return to the tunes that move me and the jewelry making that keeps my creativity burning ;)

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Friday, February 12th, 2010
1:16 pm
i am always trying to become

a free, wild person

unchained by ego

and in tune


i like to expand my mind
and feel that dizzy feeling
when all the cosmos swell
when you understand a new concept
a new state of understanding
"there it is, as clear as something that is very clear"

i am always learning

i feel absolute
i feel crazy

i feel good......

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Thursday, February 11th, 2010
11:07 pm - ask me anything
http://formspring.me/erbearrrrrr

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Sunday, January 17th, 2010
10:01 pm
It occurred to me
that I miss you,
a little.
I miss the feeling of your presence,
near to me.
You've got a funny way of making conversation without words,
and when you gaze into my eyes, I don't feel afraid. I don't feel judged. I simply see you,
as is,
and I think you see the same way.

..i like the way you look at me.

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Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
6:36 pm - days
so many days
so many sunrises, and sunshines, and twilights, and nights
all of which has led up to this
this which makes SO MUCH SENSE and NO SENSE AT ALL, all at the same time
two nights ago I dreamed of Chaos, conscious, unpredictable fractals
i reminisced on bare feet, and writing, and past days
so many days have passed, but so little time.
SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME
we have, yet
I've got all the time in the world...
and I don't ever feel better
than when I am free
and the weights of my days, my weeks, my months, and my years
are not pulled by degrading obligations
a degrading joke of a day traded for a few dollars
it's like sleeping behind the wheel

so many days
so many times i can only grin, grin, grin, and say absolutely nothing.
my days roll into one another, and I love to not know the date
or the time
because I'm living in my own time, which expands and contracts as it sees fit
and is the absolute most relevant
the most real

nights spent in different places, with different people
in different states of mind
but always HERE
and never too far
this morning I awoke to someone else's caress
and we laid in bed for hours
as the afternoon sunlight moved across the wall
another afternoon
another day

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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
12:16 am
fuck bitches... get money

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Thursday, October 29th, 2009
9:52 pm
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience."

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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
4:13 am
you know, I was just thinking...

about how I always narrowly miss out on all the most important events in my life thus far...

(ever optimistic, I had decided that it just means when it DOES happen, it will be... unbelievable...)

and I realized, maybe this is why I have such anxiety about life being too quick. Never having the resources or friends to do these things. And time keeps going, and I get older.



It really gets me down

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Friday, July 10th, 2009
1:24 pm
oh yeah i tried some 80x salvia too... but that's a whole other story ;)

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1:10 pm
i went to a festival and it was fun, but SO FUCKING COLD, which was really inhibiting, also would have been nice if all the square pushers didn't go to Rothbury!!! but I had fun, and danced, and I also did vending of my handmade skirts, jewelry, and soap ($117 in ~3 hours)


I love the drum circle
that went till dawn


I love to dance

around fire

(speaking of which, got some helpful poi lessons)


I love
speaking no words
thinking no thoughts
just BEING in BLISS


I love trance

(not that tiesto shit, I mean trance in the generic sense, a MEDITATION, a closer feeling to EVERYTHING)

and whenever I drop acid, I feel so much closer to god
The Psychedelic Experience
(psych-e-del-ic - adj. mind opening)

I have been reading Baba Ram Dass lately...
he went to Harvard with Timothy Leary and company... found a state of bliss in psychedelics,
and went on a journey to find those who Know, who hold this state forever,
he found it in India, and in meditation, pranayaman, transcedence of ego..

and of course,
the Eternal


life awes me every second

and I am every day becoming more receptive
to the beautiful story unfolding chapter by chapter


(which is currently, in the drama of things, a fucking lonely broken MESS)

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Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
3:32 pm - The Most Lucid Painting I've ever done..
divinorum eyes & windows


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Saturday, May 23rd, 2009
3:40 am - words can not explain
last night the stars tripped my steps

tonight at the same time i ran down my street and they echoed, and my heart beat too fast

and
some day these steps will lead a trail across continents
and buried in mud again from dancing

queen of wands
my destiny

moment of clarity
lucidity

open up my eyes

acknowledging makes the air lighter, cleaner
more breathable
("and for a second, the relief is unbelievable")


one day this will pull me away, swiftly

i'll meet you there

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